In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
