wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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