I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
