stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
