Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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