youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
