I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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