what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
