Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
