hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
