At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
