i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
