I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
