I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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