I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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