Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
