i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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