I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
