You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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