btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
