Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When did angry sex become our thing?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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