just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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