don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
