Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
