so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
