sarcasm needs its own font
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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