i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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