She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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