So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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