So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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