you mean i was at the winter classic?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
