thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
