I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
