Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
