the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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