He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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