Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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