I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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