dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
