she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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