so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
