happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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