I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize