i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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