he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
