Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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