Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
