Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do vagina's smell?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
