Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
