My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
