Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
