I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
