you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
