He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
