Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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