Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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