I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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