ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
