She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
